Saturday, 7 November 2009

I’ve suffered from depression for a looooong time. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started but I am sure I was a child, maybe even as young as 7 (or possibly even younger). Was it inherited? Or was it my childhood? Or a bit of both? I guess I will never know, but whatever it is that caused it it’s blighted my life since. Having babies hasn’t helped it and I have had PND to varying degrees after most of my children.

After Ellie I was in a real mess and was suicidal, then after losing a baby in 2003 I was severely depressed right through until the end of 2006. I will never forget kissing my 18 week old baby goodbye as I decided I was going to sit at the end of my road until a lorry came thundering past and I was going to pull out in front of it. Of course, I didn’t, I was stopped before I could but I really was going to do it.

Looking back I am obviously very glad I didn’t. I never want to get to that point again, and I hope I never will.

The point of this isn’t to depress you, it’s to give you hope if you’re suffering at the moment. I’m not going to say “I know how you feel”. I don’t. Just as no one else knows how I felt. I believe that everyone’s depression is different, no one else can know what it’s like for someone else, other than it’s hell. I know a lot of people are anti anti-depressants but you know, if they make you feel better and get you through the lowest times what’s the problem?

When the HV was here to do the children’s checks the other day she asked me to fill in one of those PND forms. She’s kept a close eye on me since she’s known me because of my depression and has been really supportive. She was amazed and really pleased that for the first time I got the lowest score possible (in the past I’ve had the highest score possible). Life is good at the moment. It’s not perfect. Far from it. There’s upheaval ahead but you know, things could be worse.

There is light at the end of that tunnel if you’re able to accept the help out there. Reach out and take it. If not for yourself, do it for your children.

A turning point for me was standing in the shower one day getting upset about a friend who almost died during a routine operation. I cried for her little girl who was almost left without her mummy. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks - that was exactly what I was planning to do to my own children. Wow, what a slap in the face that was!! I know that when you are at the lowest point you cannot see that anyone would b bothered if you died, but you would be very surprised just how many people would be upset outside your own family, and think what it would do to your children and other half (if you have them).


Beth said...

I can totally relate to most of what you said here...

I have suffered with depression on and off for about 8 years, and I had really bad PND, and now I'm expecting again it's one of my fears.

Thank you for posting this.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honesty in this post Lucie.
I've been there too and it always helps to know you're not the only one.